The Truth
by Hazelnut Swirl
Summary: This is the truth behind my disappearance, I didn't want to hide it anymore. I just hope, you all understand.
1. Chapter 1

As you guys can read from the title I'm going to tell you the truth about my disappearance. This is something personal, I decided to tell you guys about it so you won't think I'm 'lazy' for not updating any of my stories or working on new ones.

The reason for my disappearance is because of my depression. I had it since it was ten or twelve years old, I'm about to be nineteen this year so I had depression for the longest time. It isn't something I want to talk about it, but I decided to so everyone can understand my reasoning for lack of activity. I don't have this perfect life or anything.

My depression stops me from doing things I really like. I normally write at night, since during the day I'm busy doing things. However, lately I've been finding myself crying myself to sleep, or thinking suicidal thoughts. My depression has worsen over the years, I'm not seeking medical help for my depression. I have been thinking about seeing a therapist, however I haven't fully committed to the idea.

I was I could write stories, because that is something I want to do. I'm trying really hard to write for you guys, I really am but it isn't working and for that I'm deeply sorry.

I want to share with you guys something I recently wrote when I was going through one of my episodes. I decided I should write down how I feel. Please read it carefully.

" Jan 14, 2016

I wonder what death feels like. It always something I wondered.

I also wonder how long I would live, how long will I endure this pain? I can't help but think should I just end it all? Should I just leave this world? It seems like that right thing to do.

I'm worthless, I'm not worth anything right? I'm just a waste of space so, my death wouldn't matter. Nobody would care if I just dropped dead right now.

I can't do anything with myself, because I'm scared. I'm alone, I don't have anyone. I'm all alone. I don't have anyone, I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone, and I'm so scared.

No one would understand, they don't know what I'm feeling. I don't even understand why I feel like this! Why I want to die! Why whenever I'm alone I just break down. I think one day, I will just end it all and all this pain would just go away. I want it to go away.

I want to actually be happy! But I can't, I can't truly be happy...

I want this to go away...that's...all I want. And I think only through death that'll be possible.

Nobody is helping, with forcing me to go to school when they don't understand what I am going through. They don't know that I walk around in school by myself, that I eat alone, that all I have is myself.

I can't handle it...!

I'm alone all the time. I'm scared all the time. I feel useless, worthless, like a waste of space. Like I don't matter to anyone. I feel like if I die no one would care. Sometimes I feel like locking myself away from the world, and just let myself die a slowly painful death.

It's not like I'm needed anyway... So why bother living...?

I'm fine.

That's a lie I tell myself every single day, when I know I'm not. I know I'm hurting, but in order to make others happy I have to pretend like nothing is wrong with me, when I know that's a lie.

No one knows how bad I'm hurting, because I don't let them know. I don't want them to know anything.

Why? Because what are they going to do? They can't help. Even if they wanted too. They'll probably make me see a therapist or they probably won't care enough to even take me to a therapist.

Therapy is where people take their kids when they don't care about their kids problems, and are hoping someone would just 'fix' them.

I'm not something that can be 'fixed'.

One day, I'm going to go to sleep, and never wake up."

This is how I feel when I'm having one of my episodes. I can't help but think like that. My depression is getting bad and I fear for the worst. I hope you guys can understand how hard it is to share this. However, I want you guys to know I'm not lazy and I haven't quit the fandom. So, please be patient with me and don't be harsh OK? I'm already dealing with a lot and I don't want this to get any worst.

Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely, Hazelnut


	2. Chapter 2

Where is Hazelnut Swirl?

Hazel's Pov:

Hello everyone, Hazel here to bring you news about my lovely author. She had sadly been in and out of the hospital for the pass few days. And sadly she isn't doing to well, but I'm hoping that she'll be doing well soon. She has came home today and decided she didn't want to keep you all in the dark anymore about what's going on. As you all know my author has really bad depression, and she is trying to seek professional help even though she is completely against the idea.

I just want her to get better! She will be starting the rewrite for VVorld at VVar, called Girl With The Sea-Green Eyes before. She will be renaming the story Girl With The Sea-Green Eyes, and changing up a few things about the story. Sadly, she doesn't know when she'll be back and writing again, but hopefully before she leave for September, she'll be joining a program to help her with finding a job since high school has been over for her for awhile.

So, she'll be leaving this fandom for awhile while in this program, and if she doesn't have any stories up then, then she'll start working on some when she leaves that program. Let's just hope nothing gets in the way or anything.


	3. Chapter 3

I would like to report that I'm officially back onto the writing scene. I've been going through some personal issues and I'm back. I'm happy to report that I'll be work on some of my old stories. And Tropical BlueJay is still my beta writer. So, please be prepared to see something from me this month, around the 8th or 12th. I'm so happy. And I'm glad we have more writers apart of the Rugrat fandom! :)


	4. Chapter 4

It's been awhile Fanfiction! I have been gone for awhile after some shit has been going down with my family. I didn't have any motivation to write anything. Even now my problems are still really bad and I don't want to be involved anymore. So I decided to drown myself in Fanfiction and I'm writing again, but I don't know how long this is going to last, If I leave again I won't be coming back sadly, because of all the shit I'm going through in my life, I don't wish to talk about them.

For the stories: I'm going to just work on new ones and forget the old ones for now until I'm ready to finish working on the older one. I posted a one-shot, please enjoy it.


	5. Sims 4

Hey, I have something that I want to do. I have the Sims 4 game and I would love to create people's original characters in the game. The sad things is when I am finished I won't be able to show the finished product.

If you want to see the creations I will be emailing them to Tropical BlueJay and she will be putting the finished created Sims on her WattPad.

I plan on making Hazel, Hannah, and the rest of my original characters. And I hope you guys don't mind me making yours and putting them in the book. Don't worry I will give you full credit of the character being yours.

Please allow me to make your original characters as Sims. ?


	6. Comeback & Kpop

**[I personally feel so attacked, I haven't been posting chapters of stories because of my obsession with Kpop. I have been into Kpop since 2012. I stan so many groups and they have been attacking me with so many comebacks and with new groups debuting I have been researching them. LET'S start off with EXO they had a freaking comeback called Ko Ko Bop and they completely killed me! I love it so much my Bias is D.O but dammit it Xiumin is becoming my bias wrecker! How dare he be so freaking cute. Next A.C.E had made a debut with the song Cactus and it's killing my freaking soul, they just finished promoting the song and I hope they are taking a much-needed , I am waiting for their comeback in the future. Another group that debuted just a few days ago is 14U I love them, however they are already getting hate because of them 'copying' dance moves (which everyone does because no dance move is original) and for talking about my prince D.O's acting which was completely false, they made a statement at it.I just hope people would stop sending them death threats because that isn't okay. I'm going to be getting into them soon. Another that doubted that I'm liking it MYTEEN, I don't know much about them but I did use to watch them on V live it's an app that I freaking love! I would love to get more into them in the future.**

 **Another group that I like that made a comeback was Up10Tion, sadly my bias wasn't apart of that comeback because of a personal issue. Also, I forgot to mention that Lay wasn't part of EXO come back and he is my other bias wrecker. SO, I watched the JJ project video, that comeback song was really good I loved it. I'm a huge fan of Got7 so I will be supporting JB and Jin Young. I was happy when Seventeen and Ikon made a comeback. And freaking Black Pink omg I loved their song and they just give me freaking love!**

 **I love so many kpop groups from BTS to freaking ASTRO. If you aren't into kpop, please just try it out.]**

 **[On to other news, I haven't left. I'm working on a new chapter of My Life As Hannah Parkerson. And it will have the mention of Kpop. I want her to be a huge Kpop fan like I am, When I created her I was thinking about Kpop that's why I made her half Korean. I am working on chapter 2 of bitten and I decided to bring VVorld at VVar and I'm working on chapter seven. I have more characters to introduce you guys to and I hope you like them. I plan on bringing back old stories but It will take some time and I hope you all understand.**

 **I have created them sim characters and if you want to see them like me know If I should make a WATTPAD account to put them up. Or if I should just create a tumblr and put them up there and you guys can tell me what I can change about their likes and stuff, but I want to know what to change about them. I think that's all I had to write about. Until next time.]**


End file.
